"I am a thanatologist. More than a simple doctor, I am a person who specializes in the academic study of death. I know its ins and outs better than any person around- trust me on that. I have spent years of my life studying the dead, and many sleepless nights pondering over how to eradicate death itself."
"When I arrived to Town-on-Gorkhon, this cursed little town in the middle of nowhere, I had done so in order to perform my job, as a thanatologist. Where do I even begin to explain the violence of the outbreak that had followed my arrival? It was as though it had been waiting for me to take one step into town in order to begin. I am not a virologist-- I'm best at caring for dead people, not the living. And yet, that is what I had to do. That town wasn't even equipped with a hospital! Could you believe this? How did the women give birth, how did the ill get treatment? Truly, it was nothing like my beloved Capital. It was a miserable, pathetic town, and I had suddenly become one of the only people capable of saving it."
"And lord, I tried. I tried everything, believe me. I studied the question from every angle, even at great risk of getting infected myself. I treated dying women and children alike, had to break upsetting news every other hour. Medicine had been such a meaningless matter to these townsfolk that I had to barter with tiny, tiny children in order to acquire proper antibiotics. It was never enough. The town was being decimated, district by district."
"I may have failed to mention, all this time, that I was not the only doctor in town. One Artemy Burakh, the son of the man that urged me to visit the town, had also arrived in town, same day as I did. He did not have a degree, but was a talented surgeon. He specialized in alternative medicine, that I did not have any trust in whatsoever, but he was a stubborn and steadfast man. He had a goal and never wavered from it. I think, eventually, I found myself believing he was capable of making a miracle happen. He was just that sort of person."
"Perhaps that is why his death, from the Plague, hit me so hard. Perhaps that is why seeing his dead body shook me to my core. Perhaps that is why I lost my cool that day."
"His death had meant I was the only one left that was qualified to fight the outbreak. I ordered quarantines on infected districts, and the few employees I had made sure the townsfolk stayed informed of the progression of the Plague. These employees wore these - frankly, ridiculous - bird costumes that we had retrieved from the local Theater's wardrobe. They were massive, made of a cloak with a tall mask with a long, curvy beak. I found them quite effective in preventing the Plague from reaching the people inside, and so that is why I ordered the orderlies to wear them."
"On the day following Burakh's death, I had a frightening dream."
"I had just woken up, and the entire district I lived in was infected. My district had been the last safe haven there; the last place I could have rescued from the Plague, and I had failed. Dead, dying people sat in every corner of the building I woke up in. Desperate people, blaming me for my inaction, my failures, trying to beat me to death for it."
"Then, I met it."
"At first, I believed it was an orderly. It was dressed the exact same, in that big, bird-like costume. He stood over me quite the same. But I did not recognize its voice; and it did not speak to me the way an orderly would. And yet, its voice was familiar, so very familiar, it made my hands tremble when no other sight had ever done so before."
[shaky exhale] "It announced to me that I was dead. That it was time for me to come to terms with it. I thought it to be a joke, at first, but it seemed intent on making me see 'reality'. Of course, I was very much alive, and I insisted upon my failure being a mistake. I am a man used to winning, you see, and it felt impossible for it to be any other way. And-- and it laughed at me, like I was the one being ridiculous."
"When it let me go, I woke up once more."
"It was the day after Burakh passed away. I was in my home, and everything was still under control. As I traveled through the town, I spoke to many townspeople; some optimistic, some not. But I was ecstatic : that dream had not been real. I had not lost. There was still work yet to be done. It was the rumors that came soon after that made that optimism come undone. The townspeople spoke of men who actively hid the infected in their homes in my district. If that rumor was to be true, it would spell disaster. It would mean the Plague had already reached the last healthy district. It would mean, once again, that I lost."
"I spent the day tracking the rumor. One child there, a few adults here and there. They told me to go searching buildings, to try and hear the death brewing inside. And... and I found it."
[pause]
"The moment I found the infected bodies, it was all over. I had opened the door, allowed the plague to escape the room they had been locked into. Even if I hadn't opened the door, the people that had brought them there were likely already infected, and freely roaming the streets. And so, I had failed."
"I ran, ran, ran, tried to quell the worst of it as best as I could, but there is no winning against an enemy that is a million times larger than you. Eventually, there was nothing more to do, and I went back to my lodgings."
"And, again-! Again it was there. The orderly-like creature, standing so much taller than me, looking down on me. He spoke like it knew everything about me. Listed my achievements, my failures. Asked me if I was ready to die. I could feel every limb in my body trembling with terror, my legs shaking as though this decision was my very last, like those words I was hearing would define my fate."
"I wasn't ready. How could I ever be? Is anyone truly ever ready? So I told him to leave. I refused the fate that had been imposed on me. I truly, wholeheartedly believed I was able to change fate."
"And I woke up, again, in my bed. The district was once again free of the Plague, everyone was still optimistic, and so was I. But I carried a feeling of dread in my stomach the whole time I walked through town, spoke to the same people, said the same words. It felt like the day was repeating in every possible way, and so my inevitable failure with it."
"I can't remember. I can't remember how many times I refused death. I can't remember how many times I looked at its lifeless eyes, heard its disappointed voice. I'm Daniil D. Dankovsky, Bachelor of Medicine, founder of Thanatica. I simply couldn't lose against my worst enemy. I couldn't allow it to take me. I was scared! No, scared wouldn't begin to describe it. It was a terror that gripped me at my very bones, that froze me in place and made me all the more unable to fight destiny. Every time I woke up in that bed, I knew exactly what awaited me, and still I was reluctant to accept it."
"...perhaps it was the greatest relief in my life to come to terms with my failure. Looking at the beast's long beak, and telling it that I wanted it to end. That I, Bachelor Dankovsky, was ready to die."
"From the very beginning, I never had a chance. I counted on others to do my work. I rationalized the outbreak every step of the way, refused to perform work that was below me, or sounded too ridiculous for me to accept. I told myself I couldn't do anything but win, because it was all I was ready to accept. But I'm weak. I'm weak, I'm powerless. I could hide that weakness from everyone... except from death."
"What do I have left? Nothing. I have nothing left."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Statement of Daniil D. Dankovsky, Bachelor of Medicine, regarding a strange series of events
Date: 2024-11-16 05:03 pm (UTC)"When I arrived to Town-on-Gorkhon, this cursed little town in the middle of nowhere, I had done so in order to perform my job, as a thanatologist. Where do I even begin to explain the violence of the outbreak that had followed my arrival? It was as though it had been waiting for me to take one step into town in order to begin. I am not a virologist-- I'm best at caring for dead people, not the living. And yet, that is what I had to do. That town wasn't even equipped with a hospital! Could you believe this? How did the women give birth, how did the ill get treatment? Truly, it was nothing like my beloved Capital. It was a miserable, pathetic town, and I had suddenly become one of the only people capable of saving it."
"And lord, I tried. I tried everything, believe me. I studied the question from every angle, even at great risk of getting infected myself. I treated dying women and children alike, had to break upsetting news every other hour. Medicine had been such a meaningless matter to these townsfolk that I had to barter with tiny, tiny children in order to acquire proper antibiotics. It was never enough. The town was being decimated, district by district."
"I may have failed to mention, all this time, that I was not the only doctor in town. One Artemy Burakh, the son of the man that urged me to visit the town, had also arrived in town, same day as I did. He did not have a degree, but was a talented surgeon. He specialized in alternative medicine, that I did not have any trust in whatsoever, but he was a stubborn and steadfast man. He had a goal and never wavered from it. I think, eventually, I found myself believing he was capable of making a miracle happen. He was just that sort of person."
"Perhaps that is why his death, from the Plague, hit me so hard. Perhaps that is why seeing his dead body shook me to my core. Perhaps that is why I lost my cool that day."
"His death had meant I was the only one left that was qualified to fight the outbreak. I ordered quarantines on infected districts, and the few employees I had made sure the townsfolk stayed informed of the progression of the Plague. These employees wore these - frankly, ridiculous - bird costumes that we had retrieved from the local Theater's wardrobe. They were massive, made of a cloak with a tall mask with a long, curvy beak. I found them quite effective in preventing the Plague from reaching the people inside, and so that is why I ordered the orderlies to wear them."
"On the day following Burakh's death, I had a frightening dream."
"I had just woken up, and the entire district I lived in was infected. My district had been the last safe haven there; the last place I could have rescued from the Plague, and I had failed. Dead, dying people sat in every corner of the building I woke up in. Desperate people, blaming me for my inaction, my failures, trying to beat me to death for it."
"Then, I met it."
"At first, I believed it was an orderly. It was dressed the exact same, in that big, bird-like costume. He stood over me quite the same. But I did not recognize its voice; and it did not speak to me the way an orderly would. And yet, its voice was familiar, so very familiar, it made my hands tremble when no other sight had ever done so before."
[shaky exhale] "It announced to me that I was dead. That it was time for me to come to terms with it. I thought it to be a joke, at first, but it seemed intent on making me see 'reality'. Of course, I was very much alive, and I insisted upon my failure being a mistake. I am a man used to winning, you see, and it felt impossible for it to be any other way. And-- and it laughed at me, like I was the one being ridiculous."
"When it let me go, I woke up once more."
"It was the day after Burakh passed away. I was in my home, and everything was still under control. As I traveled through the town, I spoke to many townspeople; some optimistic, some not. But I was ecstatic : that dream had not been real. I had not lost. There was still work yet to be done. It was the rumors that came soon after that made that optimism come undone. The townspeople spoke of men who actively hid the infected in their homes in my district. If that rumor was to be true, it would spell disaster. It would mean the Plague had already reached the last healthy district. It would mean, once again, that I lost."
"I spent the day tracking the rumor. One child there, a few adults here and there. They told me to go searching buildings, to try and hear the death brewing inside. And... and I found it."
[pause]
"The moment I found the infected bodies, it was all over. I had opened the door, allowed the plague to escape the room they had been locked into. Even if I hadn't opened the door, the people that had brought them there were likely already infected, and freely roaming the streets. And so, I had failed."
"I ran, ran, ran, tried to quell the worst of it as best as I could, but there is no winning against an enemy that is a million times larger than you. Eventually, there was nothing more to do, and I went back to my lodgings."
"And, again-!
Again it was there. The orderly-like creature, standing so much taller than me, looking down on me. He spoke like it knew everything about me. Listed my achievements, my failures. Asked me if I was ready to die. I could feel every limb in my body trembling with terror, my legs shaking as though this decision was my very last, like those words I was hearing would define my fate."
"I wasn't ready. How could I ever be? Is anyone truly ever ready? So I told him to leave. I refused the fate that had been imposed on me. I truly, wholeheartedly believed I was able to change fate."
"And I woke up, again, in my bed. The district was once again free of the Plague, everyone was still optimistic, and so was I. But I carried a feeling of dread in my stomach the whole time I walked through town, spoke to the same people, said the same words. It felt like the day was repeating in every possible way, and so my inevitable failure with it."
"I can't remember. I can't remember how many times I refused death. I can't remember how many times I looked at its lifeless eyes, heard its disappointed voice. I'm Daniil D. Dankovsky, Bachelor of Medicine, founder of Thanatica. I simply couldn't lose against my worst enemy. I couldn't allow it to take me. I was scared! No, scared wouldn't begin to describe it. It was a terror that gripped me at my very bones, that froze me in place and made me all the more unable to fight destiny. Every time I woke up in that bed, I knew exactly what awaited me, and still I was reluctant to accept it."
"...perhaps it was the greatest relief in my life to come to terms with my failure. Looking at the beast's long beak, and telling it that I wanted it to end. That I, Bachelor Dankovsky, was ready to die."
"From the very beginning, I never had a chance. I counted on others to do my work. I rationalized the outbreak every step of the way, refused to perform work that was below me, or sounded too ridiculous for me to accept. I told myself I couldn't do anything but win, because it was all I was ready to accept. But I'm weak. I'm weak, I'm powerless. I could hide that weakness from everyone... except from death."
"What do I have left? Nothing. I have nothing left."